Remind Me Again, What Comes Next?

Following on from my previous piece on co-ordination I'm now going to discuss something that often isn't considered to be related to Dyspraxia, despite it being so; Memory (I'd encourage you to read that first, it's by and far the best analogy for this I've ever found).

Both short-term and long-term memory are effected by Dyspraxia. And, whilst this will be a gross oversimplification, in general, short term is significantly worse, and long term is slightly better. In general; and there may be a lot of generalisations here, we might seem forgetful in the short term, and can forget things almost as soon as we're informed. But we also have an uncanny ability to recall a moment years after it has happened, when all other memory of an event has passed, sometimes in extreme detail. However, and owing to the hilarious lack of research into the area, it's a bit of a mystery as to why.

Lists, are a great example of this. An overwhelming majority of people display something known as the "serial position effect"; in short, when recalling a list displayed to them in order, they have a tendency to recall more accurately those items at the beginning of, and at the end of, the list. But not so much the ones in the middle. Often attributed to a person's ability to store the early items in their long term memory, whilst holding the later items in their short term memory.

As stated, not a great deal of research has been done with regard to Dyspraxia and memory, but, generally speaking, I don't believe I display this effect. More often if I'm not under any pressure, I'll remember maybe the first few elements, and nothing else. And if, for whatever reason, I am under pressure; say, in a test where my memory is under examination; I can remember a nearly off-the-scale number of items with uncanny precision. This I think, is purely because of the test environment; I am aware ahead of time that the only thing I need to think about, is the test.

This of course, I put down mostly to my ability to be distracted; which is extraordinarily frequent. If something is possible, then it's a dead cert that it will happen. This is why in the more relaxed scenario above, I will only recall a few elements; usually those which I've been looping through, again and again; which will not have entered my long-term memory, but will be taking up my entire working memory. Any why in the test environment I recall significantly more; distractions are usually minimised in such an environment, and therefore my working memory is increased. However, they are never fully negated.

Generalised forgetfulness, on the other hand, is more of a constant. Under the aforementioned test conditions, it is not uncommon for a list of items to be displayed at an early point in the testing, with the intention that you can recall it later. At this I am either, entirely woeful, or, astoundingly good. I am a model of consistency, not. Of all the times I've sat such a series of tests however, I can't say for sure if there were any reasons for my lack of consistency. If anything, because I should have been in a position of heightened focus, I should have somewhat more consistency over things. But this seems not to be true.

Things aren't much different outside of tests either. It's not uncommon for me to forget what I'm aiming to do, as I'm doing it; or forget if I've just done something. Most commonly this is me forgetting I've gone to boil the kettle to make a cup of tea; by the time I get back to it the water is cold again. But can happen just as easily after pouring the water into the mug, suddenly I completely forget if I put sugar in the mug.

This isn't all however, even things that are more actively engaging, rather than passive, can be easily forgotten whilst in full flow. This would be forgetting the context of a conversation, during that conversation. And then of course we have the classic walking into a room only to completely forget why. I'm led to believe there happen to everyone, and are simply more common for a Dyspraxic individual.

One particularly irksome thing I forget to do, increasingly often now I'm working and have meetings multiple times a day, is forgetting to breath out. That sounds insane, so I'll explain, and note that this affects only online meetings. Because I'm having to focus so hard on the sound of other people's voice's in my ear, without any other visual or physical feedback you have when talking face-to-face, I simply forget to breath out. Instead, I become increasingly light-headed until I start to feel a little odd. To get out of this rather annoying situation I have to force mute my mic and do a mini anti-hyperventilation routine.

Fairly certain I've mentioned this, forgive me if this isn't the case, but, organisation is also connected to memory. Physical organisation requires mental organisation, which depends upon organised thoughts; something that we Dyspraxic's rather lack. And again this is true in the short, and the long, term. For me this hugely affects time keeping, and time tracking. Put simply, most of the time I am completely unaware of its passage. I turn up to things way too early because I overestimate how much time I might need¹, and I usually hang on far too late, because I'm unable to track how late it's getting.

When time isn't an issue, simple organisation of "next steps" or stages to whatever I'm aiming to do, seem to all blend into one unless they are very well allotted and prescribed before me. For this reason I greatly valued coursework assignments with nicely laid out plans, simply because it meant most of the organisation had been done for me. Compared to assignments best described as "draw the rest of the owl", where I would, usually, spend most of my time trying to work out in what order to achieve the task, rather than actively working toward said task.

Even for more trivial matters, say, if there is something you really need to do, you might write a note. And sure, I could do this. But then I have to remember the fact I wrote a note, so that I may refer back to it later. Most of the time, that ain't happening. Even if the note in question is left in the most obvious place ever, even if that position is in direct line of sight. The writing of said note can simply slip my mind. From that point onwards, the note may as well not exist. Additionally, as I've stated previously, even if the note isn't forgotten about and is later re-discovered², the required context to explain what a note might refer to, is gone forever.

Despite having known all of this now, for some number of years, and having attempted various ways of reminding me about various things. The only actual working solution I've found is to have another person act as a "walking talking reminder machine". This, of course, only works if said person is within earshot of me when I need to make a reminder, and then in earshot at the moment of reminding. And assumes they themselves do not forget either end of that communication. And that between being reminded, and actually doing the thing, I don't forget again!

Even when this entire process of events does go to plan, I still find myself able to struggling to figure out the order in which I was meant to do something, or what the different stages are. Either I've forgotten what I've just done, nullifying my ability to recall which stage would come after, or because I simply haven't yet registered what I'm doing, or what I need to do. For these reasons I, and many other Dyspraxics, value routine rather highly; because routines that are kept to, do not live in someone's short term memory, but their long term memory. And long term memory is something we can do quite well.

Long term memory isn't quite so simple, unlike short term memory which is not unlike the RAM in the machine you're reading this on, long term memory acts more like the ROM. Things can be read easily, but writing to it requires more effort; especially when you're Dyspraxic. In general, it's thought that short term memory works as a sort of interface in front of the long term memory; meaning that for things to be written to it, thoughts must go via short term memory first.

Long term memory is also broken down into several categories. Procedural; automatic information we don't really have to think about - for example how to play the piano, once you know, it's awfully hard to forget³, and you don't really need to remind yourself every time you do it. Semantic; factual information on stuff that is recalled really easily - for example what a piano is, and maybe how it works. And, Episodic; information pertaining to events you've experienced that isn't recalled as easily - for example the first time you played your favourite tune without hitting a duff note.

In general, whilst we remain entirely fallible, just like everyone else, it's thought that Dyspraxic's have astonishingly good episodic memory. Though it's a bit of an open question as to why. Some day in the far-flung future, assuming we aren't extinct, when we work out how exactly the brain works; I hope that question can be answered. Until then, it remains a mystery.

However, I have a feeling the whole thing is less about our ability to retrieve information, and rather more about our ability to write it in the first place. If we take a bit of a trivial example here, that of learning to ride a bicycle. Almost everyone has trouble with it, Dyspraxic's just have more. Yet, once we can ride a bicycle, we can be as proficient as anyone else. Thus, our ability to recall the how of riding a bicycle probably isn't affected that much, but the initial writing of the how most definitely is.

Indeed, it took me many years of practice before I could ride without stabilisers, and to this day I'm still not as proficient as my neurotypical sister. This doesn't only affect the riding of a bicycle however, I'm less proficient at everything. No matter how many times I've tried, she has always bested me at Mario Kart. My ability to remember the track, and my ability to react to the various events on track, are both affected. This all said, if we do something enough, say, for a couple of thousand hours⁴, we can get pretty good at it. I think we just take considerably more attempts at doing something before our brain writes the "how to" guide correctly. We make a lot of typos, per se. But we do get there in the end.

Personally, I'd probably relate this ability to how we process every other stimulus, inconsistently. Sometimes over-reacting, other times under-reacting. When we over-react it's likely that, as some kind of future "don't do that again", we very easily write that memory to our long term memory. And when we under-react, because we most likely have no reason to ever recall that moment, it passes through our short term memory in a flash, not even registering.

Equally, because we have a tendency to be more sensitive to our environment, the kind of memories that may one day become episodic, are in a way more visceral to us; and thereby significantly easier to picture. As such, they have a head start anyway. This may be why we are often the ones thinking several stages ahead, or so far outside the box it's obscene. We simply don't have the same troubles neurotypical individuals do when it comes to relating memories against each other in that way.

I'm sure there was something else I meant to mention towards the end of this, but it appears to have escaped me for the moment. But anyway, I'm sure I'll remember before I begin on my next piece, discussing how Dyspraxia affects energy, and the related fatigue.