A Co-ordinated Lack of Co-ordination

Pre-amble

For a while now I've toyed with the idea of expanding on my first piece. Allowing myself to go much more in depth about each part, far wider in my descriptions, as well as write it a little better. What I first wrote, however, and what you are now reading, could not be more different.

A few years ago I thought I had a pretty good idea how I was affected by this, but throughout the recent stay at home experiment I, like so many, was given pause for thought, and a far greater ability to simply sit down and consider. Something I did quite a lot - turns out the summer break is even longer when you're sent home in February... I started writing my first piece probably within days of that, though it was not published until June of that year. I've never been a particularly fast, or even good, writer, but I do seem to get something out of it.

Initially, I envisioned a long-ish post, simply going a bit more in depth, and maybe being a bit more descriptive. But, with the world deciding to shut up shop for a few years, I had plenty of time to consider what it was I wanted to write, to formulate ideas, and to think inwardly about myself. By March 2022 I had started writing the first iteration of that post; and by May 2022, it had ballooned to over 7,000 words.

When July came round, it had ballooned yet further, north of 8,000 words, and had no obvious end in sight. At one point a 20,000 word epic wasn't off the table. This was obviously a problem, nobody wants to read a not-a-blog post that long, and nor do I want to edit something that long (again)¹. So I decided a good plan of action would be to break it up into several "smaller" posts, each one focusing on a specific issue; Dyspraxia, ADHD, Autism, etc. However, the first of these "smaller" posts, within days, became itself over 6,000 words. Oops.

As such, I decided yet again to break things up even further. This time each topic internal to each issue, should have at least one post to itself. What lies below, is the first of these posts. Focused specifically on the lack of co-ordination Dyspraxia brings with it.

A Co-ordinated Lack of Co-ordination

As discussed at length in my previous post, I live with dyspraxia, a condition that plays a huge role in my life. From the moment I get up, to the moment I go to bed, it controls everything I see, everything I feel, and everything I do. It has done from the moment I was born; and because it is a life-long condition, will continue to do so for the rest of my life.

Primarily, it is a condition that affects co-ordination, also known as motor control. Until recently still referred to as "clumsy child syndrome" (in some places it still is). A term which rather denigrates not only the condition, but also those who live with it. It is not a childhood condition, and it is a whole-lot more than being a bit clumsy. Without wishing to state the obvious; having difficulties with something so central, has knock-on effects. Most commonly these are seen as reduced aspirations, lowered self-esteem, and mental health issues. Additionally, no two Dyspraxics are affected in the same way, just as no two people are exactly the same.

This lack of co-ordination is most likely driven by the body misinterpreting various stimuli. A fancy way of saying information is lost in translation between the cause, and effect, mechanisms in our bodies. In short, it means we interpret, and react to, things, differently, and, in general, not consistently. In general this means sensory information we receive or interpret is muddied, and it is not uncommon for us to become overloaded, as several stimuli all phase into one, becoming extremely confusing.

Not only does it affect the control we have over movement, but also the control we have over not moving, which is to say it can be extremely difficult to remain still. For me this presents as a swaying back and forth, or otherwise constantly fidgeting out of my control. Occurring almost constantly when standing, but less frequently when sitting - slumping back into a chair rather prevents it. This lack of balance expands also into walking, where I sway side to side a fair amount, as if I'm unsteady, or drunk. It is not so much over-correction, but more like each footstep is having to catch my weight, rather than it being gently transferred foot to foot. You can think of this like jumping from foot to foot, all the time. This of course means I tire easily when travelling, and can't really do much more than a few hundred yards before I start to feel like I've trekked ten times that distance.

Intra-body communication, this being communication between either side of the body, is equally affected. For me this is most noticeable when doing complex tasks that require both sides of the body doing different things. One example might be pulling away in a manual car, having to balance the clutch around the bite point, whilst depressing the accelerator at the same time. Despite the fact I passed my test some 5 years ago, and have pulled away over a thousand times since, I'm yet to master it. Either I end up pressing both peddles down, or lifting off of both peddles - neither option is really any better than the other, they're both bad. For this reason, I tend to pull away in second, where the revs are naturally high enough for me to lift off the clutch entirely before touching the throttle. And, if I happen to drop the throttle too early, the revs won't fly up as much as they would in first.

On the other hand, pun intended, tasks that require both feet, or hands, to do the same motion, are a lot simpler. In part, I believe this may be down to the fact I'm only really having to focus on one side of my body; with the other side then just mindlessly mirror-copying that. A trivial example of this is quite a bit harder to devise, however, so you shall have to have my word for it. I will add however, that this does not make these tasks easy, they merely require less forethought, and less control.

As you might expect by now, things do not end there. A multitude of daily tasks are affected. Shaving, for example, remains a near impossibility for me. No matter how much effort I put in, or how much practice I've had, I've yet to manage it successfully. Where I grade "success" as, "not cutting one's self, and not missing a patch". I do understand this is quite a hard task for most people to master, however, so I'm not exactly taken aback by my own difficulties, just perturbed by them. For this reason I've taken to shaving only whilst in the shower; the constant flow of water provides adequate lubrication to prevent most cuts, and rather helpfully carries away the blood from those it fails to prevent. This inability, I liken to simply not having muscle memory. Despite having tried at least a few thousand times now, I still can't meet "bare minimum" status. Among other reasons, this is also why I'm currently undergoing facial hair electrolysis.

Even tasks as mundane as making a cup of tea, can be perplexingly difficult for me. So awkward in fact I've devised a strange method for spooning the sugar into the mug. Rather than delve the spoon into the sugar before removing it, I tip and rotate the container around the spoon. If that sounds strange, don't worry, I'll explain. The method works thusly; hold the spoon over the mug, move the container around the spoon to prepare it to receive sugar, rotate the container to bury the spoon, then remove the container from the spoon. You're now left with a spoonful of sugar positioned directly over the mug. Rinse and repeat as necessary.

I initially had this bit in a footnote, but it outgrew itself. Yes dear reader, I have a first class master's degree, and yes, I'm also wholly unable to spoon sugar without dropping it. Dyspraxia doesn't affect intelligence whatsoever. On top of this, I struggle with zips, buttons, belts, and laces². Tasks as routine as getting dressed are a bloody nightmare.

Buttons, by the way, are the absolute worst. If you want to experience Dyspraxia for a few moments, get yourself some ski gloves (mittens will also suffice), then... Pull on some trousers, and do the belt up. Pull on a shirt, button it up, and tuck it in. Dyspraxia also affects your memory, so if you intentionally didn't belt up your trousers before this step, do it again, this time in the order I specified - yes, you will be doing the trousers up twice. Finally, go get a pair of socks, and a pair of lace up shoes, put the socks on, and tie the shoes in a bow. That's what my average getting dressed routine is like, every day. If you want to experience this a bit longer, reverse those steps before taking off the ski gloves.

Even tasks that don't require too much co-ordination can be difficult; usually for other reasons, however. Tiredness is one that I shall discuss in a later post, another is balance. Balance, of course, is tightly tied to co-ordination. Simply put, your body has systems in place to detect when something isn't balanced, and issues instructions to correct that lack of balance - one example of this is Homeostasis. In simple terms, I'd say my balance is about as good as the average person after one too many alcoholic beverages.

On that topic, just like everyone else, I feel light-headed when I drink, and I get dizzy when I have a headache or ear infection. However, these feelings for me are almost steroidal in nature. Headaches and dizziness can be near perpetual if I'm low on energy, which is almost always. Light-headedness seems to follow me every time I stand up. And migraines are a near weekly occurrence, seemingly not connected to any specific phenomena. So, when I do drink, or for whatever reason make myself dizzy, these feelings can become completely overwhelming. A few months ago now, during a particularly bad case of sinusitis, this dizziness became so great I could no longer stand. At one point collapsing on the kitchen floor. No emergency though, I was perfectly fine; somehow I managed to avoid hitting anything on my way down... Including my head on the granite floor.

But anyway, back to co-ordination, and sports (scary). If it includes a ball, I'm between woeful and catastrophic; nice way to set the bar there. Not because I can't grasp the rules, or lack the ability to play, but rather because I've never successfully been able to consistently catch, throw, or kick, a ball. And when I do, it's usually a total fluke, or I subsequently screw up the next step, be that dropping the ball, falling over, or something equally silly. Not solely because I lack the co-ordination, though of course I do, but because I also lack the necessary balance. Kicking is perhaps the most obvious here, for you are required to stand on one leg, whilst you swing the other.

This may sound a lot like walking, or running, but it is not. You are exerting a considerably larger force behind your swung leg; well in excess of the amount required to move your entire body forward. Some of this is of course offset, by you connecting with the ball; transferring some kinetic energy into it, for it to subsequently fly through the air. But, it does of course require co-ordination to actually make contact, and a considerable amount more to do anything but fling it across the ground like a rogue bowling ball.

Throwing is much the same, though perhaps more abstract; once again you are exerting a large force through your arm, as you first withdraw it backward, then launched it forwards with considerably more force than required to move your entire upper body forwards³. Subsequently, unsettling your balance. Meanwhile, catching is almost entirely co-ordination based. After working out roughly where the ball is going to be in the future, you hold out your hands, and try to grasp the ball in flight, then move your arms in the arc that matches the balls continued descent. And all whilst registering the pressure exerted on your hands by the ball, and reacting to it. In a few words, quite a lot of co-ordination required there.

One positive of this whole thing however, is that I'm so legendarily bad at catching anything, that anyone who has more than a passing familiarity with me knows full well not to throw anything toward me with any expectation that it won't end up on the ground.

Ok, with that aside duly over, back to the task at hand... Where were we? Ah yes, hands.

When I cannot see them, knowing where they are is particularly difficult. As it is for everyone; you have to essentially know where they were last time you could see them, then recall and execute the list of movements you've applied since then to work out where they are now. And of course, having a lack of general co-ordination only exacerbates this; even more so if that co-ordination disorder also affects your memory. Spoilers, Dyspraxia does.

As an extension to this, being able to see them, but not being sure of their absolute location and surrounding environment, can be just as wonky. This happens of course anytime you gaze into a mirror. You can see your hands, but everything is reversed. And the way my mind works, disallows me from correctly applying this. I can do the left is now right thing fairly well, but the front is now back thing? Forget it. And this only gets worse if I can see both my hand in the mirror, and my hand directly. I think because my mind is simply confusing them. One minute thinking "that one's the hand", the next moment thinking "wait, or is it that one?". Helped not also by my right hand, appearing to be my left hand in the mirror. I'm sure everyone gets confused by this, but I've yet to really ask anyone about it when not clearly in jest. And so I remain wilfully ignorant.

One odd benefit of this lack of co-ordination however, is that unlike most, I do not have a real sense of a dominant side. Both of my hands are as cack-handed as each other. So rather than favouring a dominant side, I've always favoured whichever side is closer, or more convenient, at any given moment. Which has helped to develop the little muscle memory I have, because my brain has been required to learn two sets of movements for most actions; allowing it to pick up new ones, perhaps, slightly easier than it otherwise would.

Commonly cited examples of this are eating, and handwriting. So, let's use those.

In a restaurant it is not uncommon to find cutlery and crockery in their typical right-handed orientations, and I find this to be ok. At home however, I often reverse this, because where I sit (on the left-hand side), it is more convenient to have the drink on the left. So that it is not in the middle of the table, or at risk of being knocked over. And this is equally ok. Additionally, when there is no convenience to either, for example when I am sitting at my desk, or on my bed, my drink is always on the left. The same is true when I am standing, it is held in the left. However, when I am lets say making a sandwich, I use the knife almost exclusively in my right hand.

As for handwriting, over the past few years I have endeavoured to teach myself to write left-handed. Rather unexpectedly, I'm happy to report that through a lot of practice, I'm actually pretty good. What is strange, is that it is not only more comfortable for me that writing right-handed has ever been. But my writing is also clearer, neater, and significantly more legible. As I do not have a dominant hand, this cannot mean I've been an undercover lefty all my life. Instead, I suspect it is because I am learning a new skill, along with the effort I am putting in, causing me to move slower, which in turn allows the quality to develop.

Because of my writing struggles, for many years of school, and all the way through university, I typed up my notes. At school this meant using a really rather rubbish AlphaSmart. And then printing them out - looking back this was a rather egregious waste of paper. However, by the time I got to university I had my own laptop - and in four years I printed out a total of two documents, both of which were actually proxy vote applications. Typing however, isn't as easy as you may think. Firstly remembering where most of the keys are, and then being able to hit them consistently, if anything, uses almost as much co-ordination as handwriting. For what it's worth, I gave up using QWERTY as my daily driver years ago⁴, in favour of Colemak. Primarily because they place the E key in a much nicer location, and because it's not on the same side as the next two most common letters, T, and A.

On regarding the spoken word, things are slightly worse than two years ago, in the most part due to increased tiredness, and a lack of available focus. I still have a random, intermittent, stammer, and still find it hard to get certain words out. Although it is now far more frequent than previously, and I am barely able to get out most sentences without at least one stumble. Stumbles which happen more frequently the more tired or fatigued I am. Over the past few years, to combat this, I've been passively developing a skill of always having a back-up sentence at hand. So that if I sense I am about to stumble, or have already stumbled, and foresee no end to the stumbling, I can revert to the back-up without frustration. There is still a pause though, as I prepare myself not to stumble over the back-up. This of course requires immense amount of fore-thought, which only tires me further.

This of course also bleeds into social situations. One is hardly going to have a brilliant sense of confidence if they have trouble getting words out. Making conversation especially difficult. Even a minor delay in a conversation with more than one other party can see you fall sentences behind before you get out what you wanted, leaving you woefully out of context, and looking slow. For this reason I tend to avoid partaking in wider conversations where there is more than one other party, unless every other party understands my predicament well.

Outside these situations I tend to get accused of being quiet, quite a lot, this isn't because I have nothing to say, I do. But rather because I'm trying to focus on the conversation, at the same time as trying to phase out background noise. Two things that are directly hampered by Dyspraxia. And at the same time considering what I want to say, and, working out when is the correct time to add my two cents. It's a bit like trying to navigate a French roundabout, chaos.

Not everything is bad though, it can be awfully hilarious walking into a lamppost on occasion. And the way it makes you think differently is, if anything, a massive asset. Something I shall expand upon in the next post; on how Dyspraxia affects your memory.